


Take Away My Anxiety

by prettylittleporcelain



Series: Take Away My Anxiety [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 11:26:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2545841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettylittleporcelain/pseuds/prettylittleporcelain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel Berry is a 24 year old graphic designer. She is alone and struggling with an anxiety disorder. Then she is reunited with Quinn and all that she believes in is tested... AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Is Me

Rachel scurried out of her apartment, closing the door with a loud bang, dropping her phone onto the concrete below when the noise startled her.  
“Fuck me” she murmured, learning cautiously to pick up her phone without dropping the folders and iPad that filled up her arms, her blue velvet handbag dangling off the crook of her elbow.

  
“Gladly” Rachel looked up at who had spoken: A smarmy guy with black hair falling in his eyes was standing in front of her, a cocky grin on his face and an amused and arrogant look in his mud brown eyed.

  
“Fuck you” she retorted boldly, hating men that thought they could sexually objectify her. But he simply laughed.

  
“Hello, and you are…?” he questioned while standing in front of her apartment.

  
“Gay” she stated, hoping he would be put off and scurry to some other corner.

  
“Huh, well that’s an interesting-“

  
“Not a name, a sexual orientation. And a hint. I’m not interested. Please go away, I am running late already and I have got plenty to do.” She gestured her head at her full hands then side stepped him, dashing away to her waiting car, chest tight with anxiety at the interaction.

  
Rachel knew she was gay when she was 18. It hadn’t come to her in a sudden epiphany but a slow realisation, filled with self-loathing, confusion and irritation. She had dated boys in high school. Three, actually. To be precise. As Rachel always was. There was Noah, the typical bad boy that was barely a fling. They are still friends. Sort of. They are on Facebook anyway. Jesse, who recently realised he, too, is gay. Not much of a surprise there. They were too similar. And he liked his womanly scarves a bit too much. That leaves Finn. He was a good guy- a misled, naive guy- but well meaning all the same. Unfortunately high-school Rachel loved the idea of Finn, a strong male lead, put there was no passion between them. Rachel didn’t realise until many years later that you were supposed to feel something other than unsure with a slight hint of repulsion when kissing. She thought it was Finn, that they simply didn’t have sexual chemistry. But at 18 she was saying goodbye to high school, not at all teary eyed may she add, and she was hugging Quinn goodbye. Quinn, the high-school bitch turned Glee comrade. There was an awkward moment were they both went in to kiss each others cheeks when they missed and ended up on the lips. Rachel wasn’t too sure how it happened- it was all very quick and the memory had faded with time- but there was a feeling in that quick kiss that Rachel had never experienced before. A tingling - On her lips, in her heart - that she had never experienced. She had always been going through the motions with relationships, with kissing. Now she wanted to try it again. With a girl. She had never seen Quinn again after Rachel moved onwards and upwards.

  
Rachel was now 24 and she knew who she was. Nodding her head with finality. I am Rachel Barbara Berry. I am a teacher, a designer, and a lonesome lesbian… Yes, she was alone. She had never had a girlfriend. She has had dates in the past. Kurt had sent her along to a speed dating night but it didn’t go so well. There were a lot of people, a small, loud room and human interaction was not her forte. She ran out of there on the verge of an anxiety attack, calling Kurt in tears. She sat in her car until drove over to meet her, encouraging her to breath properly. Rachel hated how her anxiety ruled her. She wanted to meet girls. To talk to them. To laugh, joke, flirt. But it wasn’t natural. It was hard.

  
Rachel was now at work, her trip there filled with a trip down memory lane. And it did nothing to ease her anxiety. She sat with her head leaning against her seat, eyes shut. Come on Rachel. Breathe in… and out… Her eyes sprung open when her chest stopped aching and she gathered up her files and her technology and manoeuvred her way out of her car. You love it here she reminded herself. Just don’t wind yourself up. Rachel wandered over through the parking lot over to the building where her office was housed. She burst through the door gracelessly and plonked everything down at her desk. Sighing with relief- she really was holding a lot of things- she plopped down on her white wheelie chair and adjusted her pencil skirt. Checking herself before she mentally prepared for her day.  
Rachel was a graphic designer, a talented one. But her first love was teaching. Just last year she finished her teaching degree and got offered a job here: New York Art and Drama Academy It was a new private high school. She only taught a few students, as the place way quite exclusive, so she had time during her breaks to create some new work. It was ideal. And Rachel loved it. Sometimes it was hard dealing with the kids, and Rachel got quite antsy being around so many boisterous teenagers but she loved them. And loved guiding them into creating art they were proud of. Rachel smiled to herself. Yep, it was a nice job. And at 24, Rachel was the youngest on the staff. She had made a few friends, with her social anxiety she found it hard to get close to people, and enjoyed the company of her fellow teachers. They all very good artists and they all bonded over their common interest.

  
The school day ended. And it was finally time to leave after doing the tedious job of planning the next day, writing notes about each of her classes and starting a few of those reports she needed to do. Rachel jumped in her car, thankfully able to leave her files in her office, and sped off to meet Kurt and his husband Blaine, another one of Rachel’s close friends, at a bar close to her apartment. They met there as a way to help Rachel adjust to being in a social situation, rather than meeting at one of their places. Kurt had been Rachel’s best friend since McKinley high school. Blaine and Kurt had met there as juniors and have been together ever since. They tied the knot last year. Kurt went on to be a fashion designer after completing his degree at Parson’s in New York. Blaine was on Broadway. They had all ended up doing something they loved and got payed a hefty sum for it. It was quite ideal and life was a far cry from when the three were starting out, in a cramped, leaking flat in Brooklyn.  
Rachel swooped into the bar after parking her car back at her apartment and walking the few blocks to the trendy place. She went straight to see the barman where she ordered her Appletini and sat down in their usual corner. Rachel was a creature of habit. She was checking her messages on her phone when she heard Kurt and Blaine come in. She looked up; noticing someone else had followed them in. She couldn’t see who it was but she had fantastic dress sense, Rachel admired. A fitting red dress hugged this women’s curves. Rachel’s eyes unabashedly trailed down the women’s long, tan legs and rested on her obviously very expensive black studded heels. Rachel looked at her own feet. Velvet Doc Martens. Rachel envied women that could wear heels. They just gave Rachel blisters and made her feet ache. A minute of wearing them meant an hour of footrest. Rachel was busy focusing on her feet; she didn’t see Kurt and Blaine approaching.  
“Hey Rach,” Kurt greeted, sitting down beside her. “I thought we would surprise you! Here is a blast from our past.” Rachel looked up.  
The mystery woman,  
it was Quinn.


	2. Getting To Know Rachel Berry

For the next hour, all Rachel saw, thought, heard, smelled, cared about was Quinn. She was stunning. Rachel didn’t really chime in on the conversation; she preferred to listen. That’s what she told herself. Blaine, Kurt and Quinn were chatting about why Quinn was in New York. Rachel discovered that Quinn had moved here a month ago after getting a job offer at Sacred Heart Girls Boarding School in Brooklyn. She just finished her Masters in Psychology at Yale with a specialty in youth and got a job as the school psychologist. Blaine had ran into Quinn at Macy’s and insisted she met them for a drink.

  
Rachel was anxious. Very, very anxious. Quinn hadn’t really acknowledged Rachel since she arrived, bar a small, shy nod and her eyes tended to dart Rachels way as she was speaking. It was very unnerving. Rachel was trying to find an excuse to go home and tuck up in her safe, quiet bed. But it meant she had to speak first. Unfortunately she couldn’t run off without first giving notice to her friends. Or what she considers her friends. Kurt and Blaine aren’t very good at understanding what she goes through every day of her life with her anxiety. They sympathise and pity her. But they can’t empathise. And sometimes that’s really what Rachel needs. She doesn’t see a counselor, not anymore. They made her feel more anxious. She just hasn’t found the right one. But the problem is she doesn’t want to go looking. She has a psychiatrist but contrary to what is shown in movies and television shows, their main job is to manage your medication. Not provide counselling. So she sees him every three months, he makes sure her anxiety pills are working fine, no side effects, and she is on her way. A good arrangement by Rachel’s standards.  
Finally, there is a lull in conversation so Rachel jumps in, saying she has to go because she was work in the morning and gives Blaine and Kurt a hug and a kiss on the cheek while only giving Quinn an awkward wave then runs off. Whew.

  
Lying in bed half an hour later, Rachel is thinking about high school and Quinn. Rachel wasn’t very confident in high school, even more than the average person. She was unaware of her anxiety disorder. She categorized her feelings as being stressed easily. But she was shy, very shy. So she dicided she needed a way to make friends. Mr Shuester had been her teacher for awhile and understood that she was alone. He needed extra members for Glee so he pulled her aside one day and asked if she would join.

  
“I-I can’t sing.” said Rachel, a little flustered. Teachers made her nervous.

  
“That’s alright,” Mr Shue comforted “You don’t have to sing loudly, or at all. But you do need to dance. Can you do that?”

  
Rachel wasn’t sure if she could dance but despite being quite meek, she was a bit of a risk taker, open to new experiences. And she really wanted friends. She was invisible at school and while that meant not having to speak much it made Rachel feel awfully lonely. So she agreed.

  
And Glee Club was great. Not many of the people in it paid attention to her but she sat beside Brittany, a friendly girl with a warm heart that made her feel welcome. And eventually she befriended other members. She had a tentative friendship with Santana, Brittany’s best friend because Brittany pushed Santana to give her a chance, knowing Rachel could do with some friends. Brittany might not have been the sharpest but she understood people, she was very perceptive. Rachel also made friends with Kurt. She liked his originality, how he was himself and wouldn’t apologize for it. He liked her loyalty and her quiet intelligence. They had great conversations about fashion, popular culture and music. When Blaine joined Glee club He and Rachel became friends immediately. He was very warm and caring. He protected her like a sister. Also in Glee club was Quinn Fabray. Rachel had idolised her, she was cold but very strong and protective of her Glee family. When Rachel started Glee Quinn had looked at her like she was a piece of gum that she wanted to scrape off her shoe.

  
“Who are you- a nobody, an outsider- to join this club. We are close, we are a family. We don’t need you.” Quinn had said a week after Rachel had joined. She had cornered her in the stairwell.

  
“I-I-I’m sorry. Truly. Its just that Mr Shue- and I thought- well, I just wanted to be included.” Rachel had blurted out, stuttering over her words nervously, hanging her head. She couldn’t bare to look at Quinn. But after that Quinn was different. Rachel was accepted. Not many people noticed her but her Glee friends did. And Rachel discovered she could dance, quite well in fact. It became her escape. She was a different, more confident Rachel when she was dancing. By her senior year, her and Brittany were choreographing the dances for the New Directions. Her and Quinn never really talked, only when it was related to what they were doing in Glee. But they had a quiet understanding. They were comrades.

  
It was the middle of senior year when Rachel’s mental health went downhill. She put so much pressure on herself to succeed in her classes and with Glee that she fell into a downward spiral, staying in bed all day, missing school, not doing anything. Everyone was worried about her. So she went to therapy. She learnt more about herself. She had Generalised Anxiety Disorder which basically means that anything can set off her anxiety until it spirals out of control and she starts worrying about worrying. Its not a pleasant disorder and something she has to live with her whole life. Eventually, Rachel started improving, she discovered graphic design, something she found that she loved even more than dancing and began to channel her feelings into her art. And by working extra hard, Rachel managed to graduate and went to New York to graphic design school.


	3. Meeting Quinn

The next morning Rachel woke up with a start. She was in the middle of a nightmare about walking down the street, not able to get home and no one was around. It got darker and darker and she became more and more scared. In her dream she was feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness when the alarm went off, shocking her out of her dream. She took a few minutes to regulate her breathing after her unpleasant nightmare and to shake off that awful feeling before she got ready for her day. Rachel threw herself into her work; spending a lot of time with her pupils and during her breaks she furiously worked on perfecting the background of her current creation. Rachel found that distraction was the best way to avoid her anxiety, although it was possibly not the healthiest. She had not thought about Quinn or last night all day until she got home, plonked down on her couch nursing her vice, a mug of green tea, and pressed the button on her answering machine. There was one new message.

“Hi Rachel,” The message started, Rachel recognised the voice immediately and with a shock of surprise running through her body she sat up straight like a rod and focused all her attention on Quinn’s voice, spilling through the answering machine.

“It’s Quinn here. It was really nice to see you last night, we haven’t seen each other in a long time and I always wondered where you had got to. I am really glad you are still friends with Kurt and Blaine and they were telling me about your job. I’m really happy that you are successful. I hope it is okay that I got your number of Kurt. Look, I was wondering if you would want to meet up, just the two of us sometime? We could go for coffee or just meet at your place if that makes you more comfortable. Kurt mentioned your anxiety problems… I know it is none of my business but can we talk? Meet up? Um, I hope I haven’t overstepped a boundary. Call me back if you are interested in meeting up.”

Quinn gave her number and the answer phone announced the end of the message. Rachel was confused. Why did she want to meet up? Tons of possibilities rushed through her head, she tried to sort through them but not coming to much of a conclusion. Maybe she pitied Rachel? Maybe she was curious? Maybe she wanted to be friends. Rachel liked the latter the best. She could do with more friends. Especially someone that she used to admire as much as she did Quinn. Rachel wondered if Quinn was the same as high school, she couldn’t tell from their brief meeting last night. She thought about how strong and determined Quinn was. Out of everyone at McKinley, she seemed the most mature for her age. She had to grow up young, being in charge of another body that wasn’t your own would do that to you, Rachel supposed.

Rachel put down her mug on the coffee table and wondered over to the bench where her phone sat. She played the message one more time to get Quinn’s number and then entered it into her phone Her heart was erratically beating. She never liked talking through the phone. Rachel believed she was even more awkward talking on the phone than face to face. She supposed that it was because she was unable to read the other person’s body language. She couldn’t tell what they were thinking the way she could when she was right in front of them. Nevertheless, Rachel pressed the green button on her phone that would connect her to Quinn.

Quinn picked up after a few rings, “Hello?” she asked.

“H-hey hi, it’s Rachel. How are you?”

“Good,” replied Quinn

“How are you?”

“Oh, I’m great thanks, how are you?” Oh god, Rachel smacked herself in the head. She just started a never-ending pleasantry loop. How embarrassing. She really shouldn’t be allowed to use a phone without a planned script in front of her. Quinn laughed into the phone,

“Haven’t we covered this?”

“Um, yeah, sorry. I guess we have.”

“I guess you got my message?” Asked Quinn

“Yeah, I did. It was a nice surprise. I would love to meet up.” Rachel tapped her fingers nervously on the bench, worrying irrationally if Quinn would take back her offer.

“Okay, how about this weekend. Saturday morning? I know a great place. I can text you the details. How does that sound?”

“Great,” Rachel replied, brightening. “I’ll see you there.”

“Bye Rachel. Thank you for agreeing to meet up, I am looking forward to seeing you.”

After Rachel hung up the phone she dropped herself ungracefully onto the couch, and leaned her head back, a huge smile on her face. And she let out a giggle. She felt like a teenager getting asked on a date for the first time.

After the giddiness wore off, the anxiety set in that evening after Rachel had settled into bed. Her mind was going a mile a minute thinking about Saturday.

The next few days seemed to go by slowly to Rachel. She went about her day. Work, home, food, television, sleep. Or some sleep. Not as much as Rachel would like. She kept having nightmares. All of them were different but had a similar theme: she was trapped. Some had Rachel running away from someone or something and in a couple of her dreams she was trying to run towards something with no luck. She was never getting there. These dreams made her sluggish during the morning and she went to bed early each night in the vain hope that she will sleep off her exhaustion.

Saturday finally came about and Rachel woke up very early and sporadically decided to use her exercise bike that was kicking around collecting dust in her spare room. After half an hour Rachel jumped in the shower feeling refreshed and very pleased at herself for exercising. The exercise also helped burn away some of the extra energy caused by her anxiety which made her calmer and ready to meet Quinn. She left early, wanting to be there on time and caught the Subway to her destination: a small, brightly coloured coffee shop which was designed exquisitely, making Rachel’s creative side very excited. Despite being early, she spotted Quinn in the shop with her back to her. Rachel quickly checked her watch to reassure herself that she was infact not late and wandered over to Quinn. When Quinn noticed her coming the focused and deep in thought expression on her face changed into a big welcoming smile.

“Rachel!” Quinn exclaimed, rushing in to give her a hug. “Are these seats okay or would you prefer to go outside? I don’t want you to feel like the space is too busy or loud.” Rachel’s eyes widened, surprised at Quinn’s thoughtfulness. She was right, overcrowded spaces made her extremely anxious but this place seemed okay so Rachel replied that it was fine and took a seat across from her. After ordering their drinks: a hot chocolate for Rachel who tries to avoid caffeine and a latte for Quinn, Quinn started the conversation.

“Thank you for coming to talk to me Rachel. I was really glad that I got to catch up with you, Kurt and Blaine. I haven’t stayed in contact with anyone from school except for the occasion Facebook conversation with Santana and Brittany. I want you to know that I always admired you in high school. I remember that the last year there wasn’t easy for you, I saw you going through your depression and anxiety,” Rachel ducked her head at that point, eyes focussed down on her drink so she wouldn’t have to look at Quinn. She didn’t like to be reminded of that time. “And back then I never understood, I thought you were sad, that you would snap out of it but I have done a lot of work with mental illnesses since then and I wished that I could of helped you, supported you in some way. Hearing Kurt mention it the other night brought that back and I couldn’t help but notice how little of your anxiety he understands. Have I got that right?” Quinn asked gently, seeking out Rachel’s eyes and after she saw the girl nod she continued.

“Rachel, I would love it if I could be your friend. Everyone needs a confidant and I don’t say this because I pity you but because I am empathetic towards your situation and you are someone I care about. Can I help you? Will you let me be your friend?” Rachel looked at Quinn, her nervous and cautious eyes meeting Quinn’s unsure ones.

“Quinn, thank you for your generosity. It takes a weight off me to know someone cares. I would love to be your friend but I would also like to note that I am not a china doll. I have lived with this illness for many years and while I would love you to be a part of my life again, I don’t want this to be a one sided friendship. We are equals; I want us to be equals. Do you understand what I mean?”

Quinn smiled back at Rachel, relieved she hadn’t offended her. “Yes Rachel, of course. I would love that too.” Rachel and Quinn talked for a while longer about their lives and then parted ways, agreeing to talk again soon. And for once, Rachel thought, she found a friend that actually meant it. She made her way home with a grin on her face and an overly cheerful skip in her step. Excited that this could be the start of something good for Rachel Berry. 


	4. Rachel's Apartment

When Rachel woke up the next morning she wasn't expecting to hear from Quinn. In fact, she had got it into her head that Quinn wouldn't contact her at all. That all she said yesterday was false, she had second thoughts and Rachel would be alone again. But she looked over at her phone and saw a text from Quinn saying: ' _I hope you have a fantastic day. Smile because people care about you.'_ Tears welled in Rachel's eyes at the thoughtfulness of the text. She had never had received anything like it before. Warmness spilled into Rachel's chest. A feeling of happiness.  _People care about me_  Rachel said out loud, testing the statement out.  _People care about_ me. _Quinn cares about me._  Yeah, that sounded good. It made Rachel feel safe. Like she was a part of something. She spent that day working on her artwork, a smile on her usually sombre face all day.

The next day after work Rachel met up with Kurt and Blaine as usual and to her surprise Quinn was also there. They spent the night chatting, catching up and gossiping like the girl friend Rachel has never had. It seems that putting her trust in Quinn really opened Rachel up, made her able to talk and be friendly without over thinking it and staying in silence. All Rachel really needed was a friend. She invited Quinn over to her apartment Thursday night for a movie night. They were both really looking forward to it. When Quinn arrived, wine in hand she surveyed the place.  _Very nice_ , noted Quinn.  _But does one person really need all this space?_  Quinn walked over to the wall which one of the couches were in front of and studied the artwork on the wall. It was bright purple with colour splotches all over it. It was incredible. Rachel shyly hovered behind Quinn, eager to hear her thought on the work.

"You like…?" She started off, awaiting Quinn's response

"Yes Rach, its fantastic. Who did it?"

"Um, Me." Rachel said simply, blushing bashfully. She had been brought up to be modest about her talents.

"Wow Rach," Quinn was stunned, while Rachel was a quite person, she certainly let the art speak for her. The vibrancy contrasted with Rachel's typically calm and reserved demeanour. "This is fantastic." Quinn turned and looked Rachel in the eye, the girl returning the look. "I'm really proud of you." Rachel bit her lip, embarrassed by Quinn's obviously heartfelt words and felt her heart flutter.

Later that evening Quinn and Rachel were sitting on Rachel's couch side by side in comfortable silence, both girls deep in thought. The film's credits were reaching the end. Quinn turned to Rachel and asked:

"Why do you live here alone? You have enough space to have a roommate."

"I-I don't know," Rachel stuttered, surprised at the seemingly random comment. "I never thought about it really. I guess I am comfortable by myself."

Quinn rolled her eyes.

"I'm sure you are comfortable but it might help you be more social, have someone to encourage you and keep you company. You don't have to spend all your time with them. And some extra money never hurts…"

Rachel sat there for a few minutes, her face scrunched up in concentration while she deliberated. Then she let out a deep sigh. It was hard for her not to say yes to whatever Quinn asked.

"Yes, yes, I suppose that it might be exciting, a new adventure. But I am holding interviews, and you have to be there."

Quinn nodded excitedly. She couldn't believe she was getting her way. Rachel looked at her for a minute, deep in thought, contemplating asking her next question, and whether she wanted to know the answer. Finally she came out with it.

"Why, Quinn, why do you want this for me so badly?" Rachel questioned. Quinn sighed and decided to go with the truth. Most of it. She explained to Rachel that she wanted to help her, to decrease her social anxiety and to make her more comfortable around people.

"But  _why_ Quinn. Why help me? Why now?" Rachel pushed. She didn't get it, she felt like Quinn was hiding something. Rachel had always been good at reading people, she knew when they weren't being honest with her. That was one of the reasons she didn't have many friends, she saw people for the phonies the really were. Just putting up with her to be polite.

"Rachel, I see you, I see you in pain, struggling. I just can't sit by. I'm a psychologist. It's my job."

Rachel shook her head, a heaviness rose in her chest: anger. "Am I just a client then? A hands on way for you to work with the mentally ill? To pat yourself on the back for your altruism? Wow, I helped a girl who gets nervous around people and is anxious  _every moment of her life._ Good for you. You don't understand Quinn. I don't need your help, you're meddling. I know my fate, I know this is a lifetime disorder and nothing can change that! Don't give me your psycho bullshit. You are just standing on the sidelines watching it. You can't know until you are anxious what it is like. It is  _awful._  But I don't need your pity. You lied to me when you said you didn't pity me because if your didn't you wouldn't be interfering out of the goodness of your heart. Just leave me alone." Rachel spat out. Face flushed with anger, she took a deep breath after her long speech. She hated dealing with people who were uncomfortable around her but even more than that, she despised when people who didn't know what she was feeling, who could understand her difficulty in her day-to-day life, but interfered. Thinking they could fix her.

"I'm sorry Rach if it came off that way," Quinn said in a forced calm voice "But no offence was intended. I am a psychologist but I am your friend first. I should have thought about it that way, I realise that I shouldn't mix work and home. I just wanted to help I am a psychologist but I am your friend first. I should have thought about it your way. I will think about what you said and how I can help you without feeling like I am better or that I know more. It isn't fair to you. But Rachel, believe me when I want to help you because I want to make you feel better. You are right, it will be with you forever but I want to help you make it a little easier on yourself. It was unfair to treat you like a patient. I see you know. I shouldn't have seeked you out but waited for you to come to me for help. Good night Rachel. I hope you can forgive me. I will try to figure out how I ca help you without being the psychologist." And with that Quinn grabbed her coat and her bag and made to leave but paused by the door when Rachel said:

"I don't need help. I just need a friend."

A sudden realization came to Quinn. And so she replied,

"It might be the same thing." And walked out the door without any further comment. Closing it quietly behind her.

 


	5. Rachel Berry's Day

Rachel opened her eyes, checked the clock. 3:26am. She sighed with relief and closed her eyes again. She woke up again around 2 hours later, anxiety jumping into her chest; she sat up and looked at the clock. 5:15am. Again at 5:59am, 6:19am and at 6:58am she sat up in bed and turned off her alarm, which was set to wake her up two minutes later. She didn't know why she bothered setting her alarm. She wakes up during the night anyway to make sure she didn't wake up late. The anxiety doubled as her body clock. Rachel lay in bed for a minute, mentally calculating how long she had, although she did the exact same thing last night before she went to bed.  _Okay, if I get up now, 7am I can have a shower, leave the bathroom by 7:30am. Breakfast and packing my bag until 7:40am. Leave at 7:45am, get to work by 8am, sit in my car for ten minutes so I am not the first one there… good plan._ After making the arrangements Rachel stretched and jumped out of bed, eyes barely open. She was not a morning person. While stumbling into the bathroom Rachel managed to walk into the wall beside her doorframe, stubbed her toe on the bathroom door and on the way out of the bathroom slid on the water on the ground, just catching herself before she went splat on the ground.

"Fuck a duck," Rachel muttered, "Today is not my day."

After checking her watch every two seconds she raced out the door, 7:42am, then ran back inside, grabbed her medication, popped the pill and swallowed it dry. She had taken enough medicine in her life to be used to the feel of the lump in her throat as the pill went down. Running back out the door, Rachel's anxiety was prominent. Sitting on her chest, a weight that was moulded to her chest. It was a familiar feeling, felt constantly for the last few years. There was no escape. No deep breathing crap sent that bugger away.

Arriving at work at 8:54am, traffic was sparse. Rachel grabbed her book that was sitting dutifully in her bag along with her iPod and cell phone, it never left her side. Today the book was To Kill A Mockingbird, a personal favourite of Rachel. After fifteen minutes of switching between reading her book and checking the time Rachel stopped, took a deep breath, grabbed her bags and wondered inside. She smiled at her colleagues as she quietly put her bags down. She grabbed her files she needed and went over her plan for the day. Slowly, she felt the anxiety, like black ink, slide away. Rachel smiled, knowing this was the place she felt the most at ease.

By lunch, Rachel was almost in tears, frustrated. Any heightened emotion caused this response in Rachel. She hated it, it made her feel weak. Her arms her fluttering, shaking with adrenaline, and she rubbed her index finger and thumb together, a tick seen only when her anxiety is at is worst. Rachel hated confrontation, she really did. She realised and acknowledged that she couldn't please everyone but she liked to try anyway.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Rachel muttered. She took a deep unsteady breath and walked back into the room she walked out of. The teachers all looked at her as she entered.

"I apologise for that," Rachel said quietly, embarrassed at her behaviour, trying to hide her teary eyes. "My emotions got the better of me. I am very passionate about my kids and hate when I let them down."

"It's okay Rachel," Her head of department waled towards her, pity in his eyes. He slung an arm around Rachel's shoulder and led her back to the group. "We all hate it and know how hard it is when we get negative feedback from a student or parent. It doesn't in anyway mean we see you as any less than the fantastic teacher we know you are."

Rachel smiled at her boss and conveyed her thanks at his kind words. "I will talk to Rob next class and work out what we can do to make him feel more comfortable in my class."

"That's a good idea. Why don't you go back to your office or go for a walk, nothing else in this meeting is important and I am sure that you will want to get your emotions in check before you see the students again."

Rachel nodded and slipped out the door.

At 5:45pm Rachel left work, slipped in her car and drove home. She sighed, after another long day is over and she finally let herself think about the night before with Quinn. She went back and forth between forgiving Quinn and feeling extremely hurt, so much so that for the second time that day she felt tears well in her eyes.

"Dammit!" Rachel shrieked, slamming her palm onto the poor steering wheel that had done nothing to hurt her. "This is why I don't have close friends! It's too complicated!" She didn't count Kurt and Blaine as close friends. More like brothers. Annoying, fashionable brothers. She tried to steady her breathing as she parked her car in the apartment parking lot. Her anxiety was way too high, she felt the pain in her chest and her thoughts were going through her head too fast for her to sort them. She took the lift up to her floor muttering about how you can't trust anyone and walked over to her door. She cocked her head to the side as she saw the light was on.  _Did I forget to turn it off? Oh god, was it on all day?_  Rachel panicked as she opened the door then her emotions changed to confusion and then amusement as she saw who was making themselves at home, lying on the couch and watching the news, glass of wine in hand.

"Evening, Blaine."


	6. Thank God For Blaine

"Rachel!"

Blaine swung his legs round so he was sitting upright and turned off the TV. He smiled at her.

"I thought it was time for some Rachel and Blaine bonding."

"Where's Kurt?"

"Movie night with colleagues."

Blaine paused and inspected Rachel's face with a sad smile. He could tell that she was exhausted, but when is she not? He could also see the red-rimmed eyes. He hated seeing Rachel like this.

"I talked to Quinn."

Rachel sighed and sat down. She found it nice that she had someone else to talk to about this but at the same time, she prefers to avoid her feelings then run head first into them.

"What did she say?" Rachel's curiosity got the better of her. She got up and poured herself a drink so she would have something to keep her hands busy while her and Blaine talked.

"Well, she knew she screwed up, it was hard to understand what she was saying because she was talking too fast and really high-pitched. It reminded me of you when you get stressed. Well, more than usual. Or Kurt," Blaine smirked, recalling his partners high-pitched voice that goes to tones only dogs can hear when he gets overwhelmed. "But once I calmed her down she told me about what she said, what she did. Look Rachel, we know your anxiety was hard and I wish that Kurt and I could understand it and help more than we do. But you know you can talk to us always right?"

Rachel smiled but it didn't reach her eyes, Blaine noticed. "I know B, but she  _understood_ , she knows how it feels. From a technical level rather than a first hand experience. And I get she wanted to help. But I just wanted a friend that wasn't about my anxiety. I wanted someone who cares about me but can also laugh and joke and relax with me. Because what always happens is that I get too attached, I get clingy and they run. Or don't reciprocate. She was using me Blaine,  _using_  me to feel successful. Like she helped someone, a patient. I don't want to be a patient Blaine! I… I just want to be loved." Rachel said those last six words quietly, hoping Blaine didn't actually hear her. But he did and pulled her into a hug. She sobbed on his shoulder, letting up all the pent up tears from her day out. And it felt good. Therapeutic. Blaine sat there, holding her, rubbing her back while she cried and when he thought it was enough he pulled her back and looked at her.

"Do you want to know what Quinn said?" Rachel nodded.

"She said that she doesn't know how to make friends outside of work. She didn't know how to connect on a level that didn't involve psychology. She is alone too Rachel, and I think you both are very tough on yourselves and I also think that you need to help each other. How does that sound, want to talk it out with her?"

Rachel looked up at him from her position tucked on his lap with big shiny eyes. "Okay Blaine. I…. I didn't realise. She seems so self-assured. I will talk to her. But can you be there?"

"Of course sweetie." Blaine smiled and stroked her hair. They turned on Funny Girl and sang along, eating pizza and drinking wine. A perfect night in Rachel's' books.

Rachel, Blaine and Quinn (Without Kurt, who was nursing a hangover) met up at the same café as last Saturday. Blaine and Rachel arrived first. Rachel was very quiet, Blaine noticed and he could see her rubbing her finger and thumb together: her telltale anxiety sign. He put his hands on top of hers and smiles. The close proximity helped calm Rachel a bit. At that moment Quinn came walking through the door, looking more frazzled than normal.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing Quinn said as she sat down, "And I miss you. I know we have only been back in each others lives for about a week but I missed you. I realised what I said was wrong. I hope Blaine explained to you about me not able to not easily make any friend outside of business. Psychology, helping people, understanding people is what I do, it is my thing, and I'm sorry that I put that in the way of our friendship. I've realised it needs to be two sided and not all about your disorder. And I get that." Quinn paused, realising that Rachel may need some time to take in what she just said. She had planned to sit down and start with a polite 'hello, how are you?' but obviously her mouth had other ideas.

"Quinn-" Rachel started but was cut off my another monologue from Quinn,

"I went about things the wrong way. I shouldn't of wanted to help you because you have an, or several, anxiety disorders. I should want to help you because you are a friend and that is what friends do. I am sorry that I am so meddlesome and interfering. You have been dealing with this for far longer than I have been studying it and you know best. So I am sorry. I realised my mistake and I have learned from it. So, can we be friends? Equal, give and take friends? I would really like that Rachel, please give me another-"

"QUINN" Rachel had to shout to be heard over the ramblings spewing from Quinn's mouth. "Quinn, please, stop talking. Yes, I understand what you are saying and I can clearly see that you are learning and see my side. And I am sorry for being so sensitive. I am working on that. But I just need a break. We have done from old acquaintances from high school to new acquaintances to friends to fighting in a little over a week. And I am truly exhausted. I don't do friend drama. Not since intermediate when my best friend stole my boyfriend. I didn't like him; I actually liked the best friend…. But I digress. I need a break Quinn. I feel old. Older than my time. And that isn't fair on me so yes, I accept your apology and I understand but after today, can we just chill for a while? Please, this is what I need right now. I am not in anyway cutting you out of my life but I need some peace."

Quinn sat there; a little hurt but she understood where Rachel was coming from. She saw the desperation in her big brown eyes. She caught Blaine's eye over Rachel's head and he nodded slightly, an indication that she should listen to Rachel and her pleas.

"Of course Rachel, I understand,"

Rachel let out a deep breath she didn't know she was holding. And suddenly she felt light, free.

"But while you and Blaine are here, why don't we order a coffee and three of their to-die-for cupcakes and catch up." Quinn smiled kindly, offering this to Rachel as a peace offering.

"Sure, Quinn. That sounds great." So the three of them, and eventually Kurt, who needed to go out for a coffee anyway sat for hours in the little coffee shop laughing, talking and joking. Nothing but superficial stuff was talked about but that was what Rachel needed, and they all knew it.

After Rachel returned home to her apartment she tucked up on the couch with To Kill A Mockingbird and a blanket smiling to herself. She was proud of herself, (A rare feeling) she was proud that she talked to Quinn, sorted everything out and wasn't afraid to ask for what she needed: space.

That night she slept, for once, without dreams. And it was wonderful.


	7. A Present For Rachel

The next week was uneventful, thankfully, for Rachel. She went to work, came home, tucked up on the couch and passed the time doing something she loved: either reading or watching television. She had not talked to Quinn but she thought about her. A lot. And occasionally she would catch herself edging towards the phone ready to call Quinn. She didn't know why she felt such an extreme connection to her they barely know each other. Rachel believed in soul mates, that there are two halves of a whole that have been separated and you send half your life looking for them and the other half connecting with them. But she never thought of it being a reality, something that was going to happen to her. She thought of it more as a fairytale, a story of star crossed lovers that find each other time and time again as their souls grow older and more intertwined. Rachel sighed; she was such a hopeless romantic.

The next Sunday afternoon was spent lying on the couch munching on some carrot sticks and reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower her current book addiction. Rachel was anticipating being lazy and continuing on this trend all day when she heard a knock on the door. Confused, Rachel tried to remember if she ordered something online recently. She quickly chucked on some pants and walked over to her front door. Before she opened it she heard a strange noise on the other side, a whine of sorts and some rustling. Even more confused and curious, Rachel cautiously opened the door an inch and then swung it wide which lead to a big thump as it hit the wall. Rachel jumped but a big smile grew on her face when she saw Quinn bouncing nervously on her doorstep.

"Quinn! To what do I owe this pleasure!"

Quinn smiled, thankful that Rachel didn't seem annoyed by her sudden presence. She had decided to show up because she knew if she rang ahead Rachel would just get anxious.

"Hey Rachel, do you mind if I come in? I have something for you,"

Rachel's eyes lit up, she loved getting presents, almost as much as she loved giving them.

"Of course Quinn! You are always welcome"

Quinn shuffled inside and it was at that moment (and not before because Rachel was too distracted by Quinn to notice) that Rachel saw the cardboard box that Quinn was carrying. It had holes in the top and was the reason for the rustling sound she heard earlier. Rachel was intrigued, what was in that box?

Quinn sat down and swatted Rachel's hand away playfully when she tried to reach towards the box.

"Wait Rach, before I give you this I have something I want to say. I was thinking about our conversation when I was last over here before, you know, when things kinda blew up well, it was my fault I screwed it up… but anyway, we were talking about roommates. I was- AM, I am worried about you being alone. I know you love it, and your alone not lonely and all that but I found a solution that will make us all happy." Quinn grinned a cheeky I-know-a-secret-you-don't shit-eating smile and nodded her head towards the box meaning that it was time Rachel opened it. And slowly, Rachel folded down the sides of the cardboard so it was wide open and she could peek inside. But before she could look in, a little grey and white striped kitten with big yellow curious eyes poped its head out the box and let out a cute but desperate meow.

A sharp intake of breath could be heard coming from Rachel and with wide eyes she looked at Quinn.

"You-you got me a cat," Rachel said, completely disbelieving of the adorable little furrball that what sitting right in front of her.

"Yeah, I did" Quinn smiled, happy at Rachel's reaction.

"Oh my, ohmyohmyohmy" Muttered Rachel as she picked up the kitten and cuddled it to her.

"She's a girl" supplied Quinn.

The cat gave Rachel a nip on the nose and then smooched her face, settling into her arms.

"Monster," said Rachel, rubbing her nose and looking at the cat with a look that can only really be described as adoration, "I'm calling her monster."

Quinn and Rachel spent the afternoon chatting and playing with Monster and time flew by. Quinn left close to 10 o'clock that night after they had dinner cooked by Rachel, and a couple glasses of wine.

Once Rachel said goodbye to Quinn and shut the door she sighed contentedly. "Come on Monster, lets go to bed." She grabbed the purring kitten and carried her to the bedroom where she slept tucked under Rachel's arm like a favourite stuffed toy all night.


	8. An Unexpected Visitor

Rachel had a calm week planned, she was looking forward to seeing Kurt and Blaine on Tuesday and had planned to see a movie with Quinn on Friday. She had also hoped to get some of her art done during the week afterschool. But all this changed when someone knocked on her door at 10pm Sunday night.

Rachel was just stepping out of the shower, drying herself off when she heard the knock on her apartment door. "Just a minute," she shouted, quickly drying herself off and putting on her track pants and baggy tee shirt. She chucked her hair into a ponytail so it wouldn't drip down her back. She hated that feeling. The person at the door knocked again. "Just a minute," Rachel repeated, irratated. She stomped to the door and swung it open, catching it before it banged on the wall; she had plenty of dents there already.

"Jesse?" She said shocked at the frazzled man on the other side of the doorstep. He had hard rings under his eyes and his usually perfect appearance was frazzled and unkempt. "What the hell?" she asked, confused as to why this man she hadn't seen in about six years was standing in front of her. Since she left high school they had had the obligatory 'hi, hello how are you' chats on Facebook but that was all the contact they had made. Rachel wasn't one to keep in contact with people. Most high school people she didn't like and the rest she felt like she was bothering them if she asked them to catch up. She was too shy to make the first move anyway.

"Um, hi," Jesse started shyly. "Can I um, come in?" He wasn't sure if she would say yes, it was late at night and they hadn't seen each other in years.

"Sure, come in, sit down. Do you want something to drink?" Rachel was far too curious to say no to Jesse entering. What the hell was he doing here?

"Yes please, a tea would be lovely." Rachel had never seen Jesse so quite and unsure of himself. It was unsettling.

Rachel made him a drink and sat down beside him on the couch waiting for his explanation. He sighed,

"I'm sorry Rachel for just turning up like this but I didn't have anywhere else to go and I always considered us friends even though we haven't seen each other in so long."

Rachel gave a sympathetic sigh. "It's okay Jesse. Just tell me what happened."

"My boyfriend, ex boyfriend now I guess, he kicked me out. We had just moved in together a couple of months ago. Sebastian is his name. We met through mutual friends. He's an architect. We had a fight, a huge one a few days ago. I am training, doing rehearsals everyday for a new show I am the lead in and he got really jealous of the amount of time I am spending with my castmates. He thinks I am screwing one of them behind his back. But I'm not, Rachel, I'm not! I promise!" Jesse started to get hysterical, blubbering into his tea. Rachel rubbed his back until he settled down and continued with his story.

"And so I came home late Friday night because I was having some drinks with my cast-mates and when I got home he started going off at me, telling me I couldn't see them anymore, that I had to quit the show. And I yelled back about how I would never do that to him but he didn't believe me. I slept on the couch that night and the night after that. We didn't say anything to each other and then today he handed me the phone insisting that I call my boss and quit. I was so mad I stormed out and went for a walk. I got home about an hour ago and saw my bags packed and on the doorstep with a note saying that he didn't want to see me again. I banged on the door, trying to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't let me in so I put everything in the car and drove around, not really sure what to do, then I drove passed where I remember you telling me where you lived and, well, here I am." Jesse sniffed and started crying, tucking his head in Rachel's lap while she stroked his hair. It was a bizarre feeling for her, seeing Jesse like this. It made her want to tear Sebastian's balls off for doing this to him. She felt extremely protective of him.

After awhile of sitting on the couch listening to Jesse, she came up with a plan. She led Jesse to her bed and tucked him in, taking off his shoes and socks. She put a water on the bedside table because he would need to rehydrate after all that crying. Soon, Jesse's snivels turned into snores. Rachel smiled to herself and grabbed the keys to his car. She went outside and grabbed the rest of his things, bringing it into the guest room. She moved her junk and art into the corner and pulled down the spare mattress that was lying against the wall. She decided she would make the bed tomorrow but for now, she was tired. It was midnight and she had to get up early in the morning for work so she climbed into her bed where Jesse and Monster were already sleeping and drifted off herself.

The next morning she got up normal time, even more tired than usual after her eventful night. She got ready and fed Monster. A few minutes before she needed to leave she woke Jesse. She told him that he should call into work sick and spend the day resting. She gave him the wifi password and told him to make himself at home. Giving him a maternal kiss on the forehead she went off to work hoping that poor Jesse would be okay and his scum of a boyfriend would fall on some ice and break his head.


	9. A Week With Jesse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part in italics is a flashback

"Are you serious?" She has to stop talking in order to catch her breath from all the laughing she is doing.

Rachel sighed. "Yes Quinn I am serious. And I don't know what to do! He is lying around my house like a sad puppy. I don't have any relationship advice to give! I am just patting him on the head intermittently and giving him more tissues. It's been 4 days of this Quinn!"

Quinn smiled. This was too amusing. But she sighed sympathetically to comfort Rachel.

"I don't think I can go see that movie with you tomorrow night. I can't leave him alone while I socialise and he is refusing to leave the house. Especially after Tuesday night with Kurt and Blaine."

"It's okay Rach, it is really nice what you are doing. I'll come round and bring a movie instead. Its sounds like you need some company that isn't St James."

"Thanks, Quinn. But be nice okay? You were kind of a bitch to him in high school." Quinn laughed and they said their goodbyes before hanging up the phone. Rachel tucked the phone in her pocket and walked back inside her apartment. She took the call outside because she didn't want Jesse to hear and she needed a bit of breathing room.

She loved and cared about Jesse, she did. But she just needed some space from his pity party that was turning into a pity marathon. Rachel had never really dealt with a devastating breakup so she didn't really know about grieving period but she did know that her couch was growing a mould of Jesse's butt. When she entered the house he turned his head to look at her from his position on the couch. He had Monster on his lap; packaging from what was block of chocolate beside him and The Notebook on the TV screen. Rachel rolled her eyes at how clichéd he was.

"Who were you talking to?" He asked, his sad eyes boring into her face.

"Just Quinn, she's coming over tomorrow night." Jesse scrunched up his nose. He didn't like Quinn. She was a total bitch to him in high school.

"What's the story with you two? She into you? You into her? What's the goss?" Jesse inquired, uncharacteristically tasking the attention off himself. Rachel blushed deeply. "Um, well, um. I think, er maybe, she's, um, straight." Jesse raised his left eyebrow. Rachel was envious of his ability to do that.

"But you like her, right?" Rachel blushed even deeper,

"We're just friends Jesse. She just feels sorry for me."

"Well good," he replied. "Don't get involved with anyone, they will rip your heart out and tear it into a million little tiny pieces."

Rachel rolled her eyes. God she wished Quinn was here. For the millionth time since Sunday, she cursed Sebastian Smythe for his existence.

_Rachel walked into the bar with a determined look on her face and Jesse trailing along behind her, his head low and morose looking. Kurt and Blaine couldn't help but be amused at the sight in front of them. Rachel had always taken on the nurturing, looker afterer role so they weren't surprised to hear that she had taken Jesse under her wing during his break up. Sad, lost people were always drawn to her. She had a knack for advice._

_Rachel pushed Jesse into a seat opposite of Blaine and took the seat beside him, opposite Kurt once she gave them both a kiss on the cheek in greeting._

" _Jesse, you remember Kurt, this is his Blaine." They both gave him a wave, feeling a bit awkward in his presence but Kurt had a slight feeling of satisfaction at seeing a usually so mean and confident Jesse so withdrawn. But this feeling was followed soon after by one of guilt._

_The foursome chatted for awhile, Jesse was slowly coming out of himself and having proper conversations that didn't include monosyllable answers with Blaine about a new show on TV when he suddenly went ramrod straight, frozen in place, his eyes turned to the door. Rachel glanced over to see what he was looking at and saw a tall handsome man with brown hair walking through the door. Suddenly, she realised who this was: Sebastian Smythe. He noticed Jesse but went over and ordered a drink before he slimed his way over._ This guy should be a lawyerwith how oily he looked, _Rachel thought. She wanted to punch the smirk off his face for what he did to Jesse. She clutched his hand in hers for support._

" _Jesse," Sebastian acknowledged, nodding in his direction. "And which one of these two boys were you fucking behind my back, hmmmm?"_

_Kurt and Blaine were taken aback at this guy in front of them at sat there speechless but Jesse rose from his spot and let go of Rachel's hand._

" _Neither of them Sebastian, because I wasn't screwing anyone. I would never do that to you!" Jesse cried._

_Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Whatever Jess. I hope whoever it is has the sense to dump your ass when their done with you." And with that he flounced off, leaving shock in his wake. Jesse was frozen in his position, still standing, with tears in his eyes. He slowly dropped down into his seat. Rachel grabbed his hand again in both of hers. "Fuck him, Jesse. Don't listen to a single word he says. You are far better than him." She said her goodbyes to Kurt and Blaine, deciding that Jesse needed to go home so he wasn't in the same room as Sebastian._

_Back at her apartment, Jesse still was yet to say anything so she just pulled him into bed, made him a hot chocolate and sang him to sleep while tears ran down his face._


	10. It's Time To Begin

Rachel, who was pacing anxiously while rubbing her finger and thumb of her right hand together, got a fright and jumped a feet in the air when there was a knock on the front door. Jesse snickered.

"Behave tonight," Rachel commanded, looking at Jesse with a death glare as she made her way towards the door. She flung it open in excitement and it bangs against the wall, making the dent that was there even deeper.

"Quinn!"

"Rachel!" They hug and Rachel ushers Quinn inside, taking the wine and DVD from her hand, smiling at her gratefully.

"Quinn, you remember Jesse; Jesse, Quinn." Rachel made the introductions quickly, hating the social pleasantries; they always make her feel awkward, and grabbed Quinn's hand, pulling her over to the couch and took a seat next to her. She's being a bit overexcited and clingy but she's grateful to have someone who isn't permanently sarcastic and has a penis, for company.

"Quinn, you are looking lovely." Jesse said, giving her a small smile. Rachel gave him a smile to convey her thanks that he was starting the night civilly. Hopefully it will continue that way if she can keep his hands off the alcohol.

"Thank you, I'm sorry about your recent personal struggles. From what I heard from Rachel, Sebastian sounds like a right tool."

"So, what are we watching?" Rachel asked. She only noticed then that she was still holding Quinn's hand from before and quickly untangled their fingers. Quinn, sad from the loss of Rachel's warm fingers made her hand into a fist reflexively.

"One of my personal favourites, The Devil Wears Prada."

"Yay! Meryl Streep is a goddess!" Rachel rolled her eyes at Jesse, muttering, "could you get any gayer?"

"So I'm a stereotype, so what," Jesse retorted, "I saw you wearing plaid yesterday with Doc Martins and you're a vegetarian. Hypocrite, you are just as much a gay stereotype as I am."

Rachel rolled her eyes and moved to put the DVD in the player.

"Wait- Rachel, you're gay?" Quinn asked quizzically.

"Oh, um, yeah. Sorry I thought you knew. It's sort of common knowledge around here." Rachel said awkwardly.

"Oh, no it's cool. I just didn't realise."

Jesse thought this was a good an opener as any, "So Quinn, are you straight?"

Quinn chocked a little bit on the sip of wine she was taking at the time, the question taking her by surprise.

"Jesse!" Rachel yelled, "Don't be rude. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to Quinn."

"Don't act like you didn't want to know the answer." Jesse muttered.

"No, it's okay." Quinn said, "No, I'm not. I guess I identify as bisexual."

"You guess?"

Quinn shrugged, "Not a fan of labels, but that is the closest one that I identify with."

Jesse rolled his eyes, "Oh please, our society needs labels to function."

"JESSE SHUT UP RIGHT NOW." Rachel wasn't happy at her friend's rudeness. In fact, she kind of wanted to smack him right now. Rachel settled back on the couch and started playing the movie, hoping it would quit Jesse from opening his big mouth so he couldn't offend Quinn any further.

"It's alright Rachel." Quinn said, patting Rachel's hand to sooth he. The girl was quite wound up. Quinn could practically see the stress and tension exuding from her.

The rest of the night was spent in relative silence, a part from the odd comment about the movie or an offer of food from Rachel, ever the hostess. At some point, Rachel ended up resting against Quinn's front in between Quinn's legs with her arms wrapped around Rachel. Both of them loved the position and the intimacy but sadly, at the end of the movie they had to extract themselves from each other. Rachel had to resist a petulant whine and pout as Quinn's body no longer pressed against hers. She wished they were teenagers again, so it would be socially acceptable to ask her to sleep over but deeming it inappropriate, she walked Quinn to the door. Jesse subtly moved to his bedroom so the two could have some privacy.

"Thanks for coming Quinn, I had a good night." Rachel wrapped Quinn in a hug, burying her face in Quinn's shoulder and squeezing her tight.  _God_  she loved being near Quinn. She wished she could kiss her, but this would suffice. After the appropriate amount of time for a hug had passed, Rachel let go of Quinn. They said goodbye and after one last hand squeeze, Quinn left into the night and Rachel shut the door behind her sighing, both in regret and in happiness. She wanted to make the move on Quinn but wouldn't because (a) it wasn't the right moment, (b) Rachel couldn't face the rejection, and (c) it would be inappropriate to kiss her friend. Little did she know that for Quinn's car ride back to her apartment, she was thinking of Rachel too and wanted to a lot more than just kissing with her.

XXXXXXX

The next day Rachel was still in pyjamas, eating a bowl of cereal and playing with Monster and a piece of string when she got a text. Rolling her eyes, thinking it was Jesse who must have forgotten what he was supposed to get from the grocery store, she opened the text, not really putting much attention into the words until suddenly she double-checked who it was from and a thrill ran through her chest.

_Hey, I had an awesome night with you last night. X –Q_

Rachel quickly typed out a reply, then deleted it, then re-wrote it. Five minutes later, after wrestling with her anxiety and what she should say, she took a leap of faith sent the damn thing.

**I really loved having you there. Thanks for putting up with Jesse. –R**

Rachel spent the next few minutes spinning her phone in her hand nervously while biting her lip. Her anxiety was in full force, she wasn't good at waiting for replies to texts. Maybe using the word love was laying it on a little thick? Rachel worried that she seemed clingy and wished she could take back the message and spend some more time re-writing it but the damage was done. Suddenly her phone beeped and Rachel lunged for it. She was grateful Jesse wasn't around; she must look like a crazy person.

_What are you doing right now? Want to go for coffee? –Q_

**I would love to. Our usual, 20 minutes? –R**

_See you there. -Q_

Crap, there was the word love again. Rachel thought she might be a little obvious in her crush on Quinn but was too excited to care so she ran to her room, spent 10 minutes getting ready, scribbled a note to Jesse telling him where she went and ran out the door, patting Monster's head on the way.

XXXXXXX

When Rachel got to the coffee shop she saw that Quinn wasn't there yet so she ordered her and Quinn's usual drinks and took a seat where she could see the door. The drinks arrived and while Rachel wanted to wait until Quinn was there to start drinking, she couldn't resist.

It was now 15 minutes after the time Quinn had agreed to meet her. Rachel's drink was finished, Quinn's was verging on cold and Rachel's anxiety was verging on an '8' on her anxiety scale. Rachel had called Quinn twice and left three messages asking her where she was but was yet to hear from her.

Finally,  _finally_ , after 20 minutes of Rachel doubting herself and had thoughts ranging from 'maybe Quinn meant a different place' to 'what if Quinn had died in a car crash', Quinn came rushing through the door.

"Sorry, sorry, so sorry." Quinn said immediately as she sat down.

"Dammit Quinn! Do you know what that did to my anxiety! What happened?" Rachel was no longer worried, and was now pissed.

"My mom called and wanted to catch up, I lost track of time talking to her. I am so sorry Rachel, it wasn't fair on you. And you bought me a coffee too! Now I feel doubly bad!" Quinn pouted adorably and Rachel rolled her eyes. Damn that girl was good.

"It's okay Quinn," She said quietly, "I was worried more than anything. I'm glad you're okay."

Quinn smiled at Rachel, grateful that she was a forgiving person because she knew that Rachel's anxiety must had been really bad.

"I'll get us more drinks and then I want to talk to you about something." Quinn said, jumping out of her chair and over to the counter.

"Okay," Rachel said to the empty chair across from her. What would Quinn want to talk about?

"I also got us a brownie to share," Quinn said sheepishly when she returned. "They are my favourite, so you should be honoured that I am letting you have some."

Rachel laughed, "I feel very privileged."

"Now," Quinn said, suddenly serious. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"So you said." Rachel said nervously, not knowing where this was going.

"I was wondering if, um, well, what are you doing next Saturday night?" Quinn finally stuttered her way through the sentence, uncharacteristically on edge.

"Well me and Monster were going to hold a private rave and get really drunk," Rachel joked, trying to lessen the tension she felt, "But I guess I can postpone if you wanted to make plans?"

"Yeah, um, do you want to go out to a movie and dinner or something?" Quinn asked, biting her lip in a habit she picked up from Rachel.

"Sure! But why all the seriousness?" Rachel replied, confused. She was missing something.

"Well I was wondering if it could be a, err, a date?" Quinn finally got to the point and held her breath, waiting for Rachel to reject her.

Rachel sat stunned, she had never been asked on a date by a girl before, not someone she liked or felt attracted to, and certainly not someone as amazing as Quinn.

"Ye-Yeah. That sounds really nice. I would love to go on a date with you."

Rachel looked into Quinn's eyes, and for once, her anxiety disappeared.


	11. The Date

"Nope, nope, nope. I can't do this. Fuck, I'm calling her and backing out."

It was the day of The Date and Blaine had come over to comfort Rachel, who was nearing anxiety attack level of freaking out, and Kurt had joined him to pick out her outfit.

"Rachel, when you get there you will enjoy it, I promise." Blaine, ever the voice of reason, used his most soothing voice so talk Rachel down from winding herself up even further.

"How the fuck do you know,  _Blaine?_  Can you see into the future? Can you?" Rachel was pacing around her bedroom and getting more hysterical by the second. Her index finger and thumb were rubbing together so quickly that Blaine was concerned that she was going to wear her fingers down until there was nothing left but bone. And, ironically, the action was making him a little bit anxious.

"Rachel cut it out, Blaine is just trying to help." Kurt muttered while looking and Rachel's wardrobe in concentration. Did this girl not own any heels?

Rachel sighed and crawled onto her bed, where Blaine was sprawled out, to give him a hug. "I'm sorry Blaine. Thank you for putting up with me. I've never been on a  _date_  before and why did my first one have to be with someone as amazing as Quinn?"

Blaine stroked Rachel's hand as she cuddled up to him, sighing into his chest. "Sweetie, you will do fine, I have complete faith." Blaine cuddled her closer, "And besides, you would have to call her to break it off and I know how much you hate talking on the phone."

Rachel grumbled, damn it he was right.

Suddenly Kurt turned round and started pulling Rachel out of his husband's arms and off the bed. "Okay Rach, we have two hours to make you the most beautiful you you can be. Lets do it."

Rachel groaned, this might be worse that her worrying about the date.

XXXXXXXX

"Okay sweetie, remember to breathe. You will do fine." Rachel gave Blaine and Kurt their final guys before shoving them out the door.

"Yeah, thanks guys for all your help. Even you Kurt!"

Finally the two left and Rachel finally had the house to herself. Thank god Jesse was working, she couldn't take any more testosterone. She only had fifteen minutes before Quinn was expected to arrive to pick her up and she needed to mentally prepare herself. Rachel made her way to the couch, grabbing a glass of wine on the way past the kitchen and she spent the next 10 minutes concentrating on deep breaths and absentmindedly stroking Monster. She spent the last five minutes standing in front of the bathroom mirror making sure she looked good enough. She had to hand it to Kurt, he did an amazing job at fixing her up. She was wearing a bit more makeup than usual ( _when did I buy foundation?)_ but it came across natural and not over the top. She wore a stripy lack and white dress that was uncomfortably tight but Rachel had to admit that it did show off what little curves she had. Her and Kurt bickered for ages about wearing her Docs but it turns out that Kurt is the more stubborn of the two so she is wearing silver ballet flats. Even though she wouldn't admit it, Rachel thought she looked pretty hot. She was not used to dressing up and once she let Kurt do what ever he wanted, it was kind of fun. She felt more like herself than she expected and aside from tugging her dress down unnecessarily at frequent intervals, she was quite comfortable in her outfit.

At thirty seconds past seven thirty, just when Rachel was about to start listing all the possibilities of why Quinn hadn't arrived yet (1. She died in a car accident. 2. She found a more beautiful girl and eloped, forgetting to tell Rachel.), there has a knock on the door. Rachel heard the tinkle of the bell on Monster's collar ring as she ran to the front door, scratching on it impatiently so that Rachel would open it. After a deep breath and another adjusting of her dress, that is exactly what she did. And there, standing in front of her was the most beautiful girl she had ever seen in her life.

"Wow," The words poured out of Rachel's mouth before she would stop herself at the same time as they came out of Quinn's.

"Um, hi." Rachel said bashfully, "Would you like to come in?"

"Actually, we need to get a move on if we want to make the reservation."

"Oh, where are we going?"

Quinn told her it was a secret and grabbed Rachel's hand, pulling her out of the house. Rachel grabbed her keys and her purse and managed to lock the door behind her while Quinn was tugging on her arm.

"I'm coming!" Rachel said, giggling at Quinn's playfulness.

"You will be," Quinn said with a wink.

"Quinn, oh my god."

Quinn shrugged and continued to pull Rachel along. She knew she didn't need to, but it was an excuse to hold her hand. When they got to Quinn's car, she opened the door for Rachel and held her hand as she hoisted herself into the car.

"Well aren't you chivalrous" Rachel remarked.

The ride to the restaurant constituted not of awkward silence, which Rachel was worried about, but of Quinn and Rachel gushing back and forth over last night's episode of their favourite show,  _Sing!_ It made Rachel so happy to talk about the show and because she had quite an obsessive personality (it was either because she was a Scorpio or it had to do with her anxiety, Rachel wasn't sure.) so people tended to get bored with Rachel bringing it up all the time, there was nothing worse than seeing the interest flooding out of their eyes when started talking about it. But Quinn had yet to get bored with the topic and held her own in conversations about it, it was very exciting and a new concept for Rachel.

"So tell me about your job," Rachel said as their mains were placed in front of them. Rachel believed that she wasn't very good at holding conversations, she perceived herself as being awkward socially but after many years of being forced to have conversations when she felt uncomfortable she had picked up a few good conversation starters that focused on the person she was talking to without having to do much talking. But saying that, she didn't really need to do that with Quinn, she asked questions because she genuinely wanted to hear about Quinn and what she had to say. It was very exciting for Rachel, to care about a human being. Conversation flowed with Kurt and Blaine easily, but that was because they have known her for so long and know what to ask to get Rachel talking. Quinn is still finding her footsteps with talking to Rachel but she has already picked up to not force a conversation with Rachel, she tends to get flustered if she is asked questions because she feels put on the spot so you have to talk until there is something she wants to say and Quinn is quite happy with that because she loves to talk. It is like her and Rachel are Ying and Yang, two separate parts that fit together even if they are completely different.

"I love it!" Quinn said once she finished her mouthful. "I was so worried about coming to The City because I heard how expensive rent is here and I spent all my money, plus a lot more which I borrowed, on my education. I actually was going to have to move back in with my parents until I found a steady job because I couldn't afford to live on my own but then I got offered the job at Sacred Heart which included housing, so I was really lucky. The kids are lovely, most of them anyway. The Board which run the school is quite old fashioned and snobby but I don't see much of them anyway."

XXXXXXXXX

"Come on" Quinn said once they had finished eating and had split the bill (Quinn had been planning on paying but Rachel was one of the stubbornest people she had ever met). She grabbed Rachel's arm and started walking in the opposite direction to her car.

"Quinn! What are we doing?" Rachel jogged to catch up with Quinn's large strides so she didn't look like she was being held against her will as she was being dragged down the street.

"Dancing" Quinn turned to Rachel with an excited grin and sparkles in her eyes. "I know a great place, a few blocks from here. There is no point driving because we probably wont be able to find a park any closer anyway."

"I-um, er, don't really dance." Rachel didn't want to be a party pooper but she  _really_ didn't like to dance in clubs and bars. She prefers the choreographed type, she feels less judged.

"You will be fine once you get some alcohol in you." Quinn said decisively.

"Oh, god."

After a while, Quinn's grip on Rachel's arm slid down until she was tangling her fingers with Rachel.

"Is this okay?" Quinn checked nervously

"I've never held hands with a girl before." Rachel mentioned quietly, ducking her head. "It feels amazing."

Quinn smiled her stunning smile at Rachel's confession. She loved that she was Rachel's first experience with dating but it made her nervous too because of how important it was that she got things right.

XXXXXXXX

They arrived at the bar and walked right on in when the doorman got a look at the beautiful girls, bypassing the cue.

"God, I haven't been into a club since Kurt dragged me to one for my twenty first," Rachel yelled over the music, "God that was a disaster."

"I would love to hear that story one day" Quinn replied, yelling just as loudly.

Quinn ordered them two shots each and two margaritas at the bar and the pair made their way over to an empty table, their hips swaying to the thump of the music as they moved. Once Quinn decided that they had consumed enough alcohol to make their minds foggy and their inhibitions freer she pulled a giggling Rachel over to the dance floor to have a little fun. She grabbed Rachel's hips gently and turned her so Rachel's back was facing Quinn's chest. They were pressed up against each other and then they started to dance. The atmosphere with the pumping music, laser lights and the hoards of people dancing and making out around them made them feel sexier and braver. Rachel rocked her hips into Quinn's pelvis in time with the music as Quinn pressed forward against her. The friction and excitement had them panting before long. They moved on instinct into each other, Quinn's arms around Rachel, they couldn't get closer if they tried. Rachel, trying something she saw in a movie somewhere, slid down Quinn's body, using her strong thighs hold her up, then slid herself back up, her ass pressed against Quinn, causing her to moan. Quinn spun Rachel around so they were face to face. They danced together for a while, hips and breasts pressed against one another as they moved to the sensuous music.

Rachel's feet started to ache around midnight and the two, hands clasped together, hailed a taxi to take them back to Rachel's apartment.

"Can I stay with you tonight?" Quinn slurred, leaning on Rachel, her eyes closing. "I don't think I should turn up to the school like this."

"You can stay forever," Rachel replied, giggling.

They jumped out of the cab, after paying, once it came to a stop and raced each other to the door. Quinn won, with Rachel puffing after her.

"Alright Fabray," she said in between each noisy breath, "you win." Quinn smiled and looked at Rachel while she rooted around her bag for her keys.

"I had an awesome night Rach, thanks."

Rachel found the keys and looked back at Quinn, who was leaning back against the door.

"It was the most fun I have had possibly ever." Rachel whispered honestly.

They leaned toward each other, going in for the goodnight kiss when Quinn yanked her head back quickly.

"Wait Rachel," She slurred, "I really want to kiss you because you are super hot and super awesome but I want to remember it, and I want it to be as awesome as you so I'm not going to kiss you yet."

Rachel nodded, a bit hurt at the rejection but she agreed that it would be probably better. She let them inside and quietly set up the couch for Quinn deciding that it wouldn't be a good idea for them to share Rachel's bed (as much as she wants Quinn pressed up against her while they are horizontal and to wake up to her face, she knows she shouldn't. It is too soon).

"Night Quinn." Rachel said when she had set up the couch, making her way into her own room to crash.

"Night Rach." Quinn said gently.


	12. The Morning After The Night Before

"What the— Oh, Fabray. Your night can't have been that good if you got relegated to the couch!" Quinn buried her head under the pillow, trying to mute the man standing over her and the pounding in her head.

  
"Shut up Jesse," Quinn said half-heartedly; it was far too early to be dealing with his shit.

  
"Jesse, Quinn, behave!" You could hear Rachel shout from her room. "My head hurts and I can't deal with your bickering right now. So shut up or you will both be out on the street!"

  
"Not a morning person then?" Quinn murmured into her pillow.

  
Jesse moved to sit on the end of the couch where Quinn's legs were lying, moving them out of his way and dropping ungracefully on to Quinn's makeshift bed. "Sooooo Quinnie…" he started. She hmphed in response. "How  _was_  last night?"

  
"Go away St James," she said, but it came out muffled as her face was still pressed into the pillow.

  
He rolled his eyes. "God, I was just trying to make conversation." At that point, Rachel wandered out, wiping her eyes while she squinted at the light streaming in through the windows. Oops, she probably should have shut those last night. Quinn looked up as she entered and swooned at the sight of Rachel in pyjamas with sleep-mussed hair and a yawning cat following her. She looked adorable.

  
"Morning Quinn," Rachel mumbled, not entirely able to pronounce her words, despite using her vocal chords for yelling a few minutes ago.

  
"Hi Rachel," Quinn replied quietly. God, Rachel was beautiful — she couldn't stop looking at her and Rachel stared back, each of them tentatively smiling at each other.

  
"Ummmm, so I'm going to go…" Jesse quickly grabbed his wallet and keys, backing out the door. These two and their gooey eyes were making him uncomfortable.

  
"'Kay," said Rachel, not taking her eyes off Quinn.

  
"You won't be missed," retaliated Quinn.

  
"So, breakfast?" Rachel asked, snapping out of her trance, looking at Quinn was making her feel giddy.

  
"Sure."

  
Quinn did an internal victory dance and ducked her head to hide her over excited grin.

XXXXXXX

Rachel couldn't believe it. She really couldn't.

  
"Rach, are you alright? You're staring."

  
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Great. Just tired."

  
_Dammit Berry, quit your staring,_ she muttered to herself. But Rachel couldn't help it. She had the most beautiful, lovely, compassionate, and incredible girl she had ever met right in front of her having breakfast. It felt so comfortable, like they did this every day. Rachel hoped to a God she didn't believe in that many more mornings would be spent like this.

  
"So, um, Quinn... Do you want to stay in and watch movies tonight? I just bought The Breakfast Club and want to watch it for the fifty-millionth time."  
Quinn looked up at Rachel with a shy look in her eyes and a delicate smile on her beautiful, rosy lips. ' _God why does Rachel turn me into someone who talks in clichés?'_ Quinn groaned to herself.

  
"Yeah, that sounds good. I have to go back to my place at school for a bit today but then I will come back tonight. Dinner is on me, yeah?"

  
"Sure," Rachel said quietly, trying to hold back the beam that had stretched across her face, so as not to look too enthusiastic that it became manic. But Quinn could see the shine in her eyes that, she imagined, was met by an identical one of her own.

  
"That sounds perfect."

XXXXXXXXX

"Jesse?"

  
"Yeah, what? Your girl left yet?"

  
"Yeah, she just left. Wait! Don't call her my girl, yet. It's too soon, you might jinx it."

  
"Whatever. What did you call for?" 

  
"Oh right. Don't come home tonight."

  
"What?"

  
"Oh, well I suppose you can sleep here, it  _is_ your room after all, but don't come back until midnight at the earliest."

  
"But  _why?_ "

  
"Quinn is coming over for a movie night and I don't want you two bickering over me all night."

  
"Ooh, you two going to get your scissoring on?"

  
"Shut Up Jesse!" Rachel exclaimed but couldn't help but smiled at the thought.

XXXXXXXXX

Quinn was walking down a hallway at school, out towards her car. She had a bounce in her step; she was looking forward to her second date with Rachel tonight.  
 _I will kiss her tonight. I will,_ she thought. Not being able to wait any longer to hear Rachel's beautiful voice, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and quickly thought of an excuse to call her. 

  
She took a seat on a bench in the parking lot and dialled Rachel's number. A guy fiddling with his briefcase took a seat next to her and tried to open the rusty clasps. Quinn glanced at him while she was waiting for Rachel to pick up. She didn't recognise him. She decided he wasn't a teacher, possibly a parent, but she couldn't be sure. She forgot about him quickly though, when Rachel picked up.

  
"Hello?"

  
"Hey Rach!"  _God, her voice is like a melody._

  
"How was work?"

  
"Oh, fine. I had to do a quick counselling session with one girl, but nothing major."

  
"I'm sure you were a great help to her."

  
"Hmm. Hey, I was wondering, do you like Thai food?"

  
"I love it!"  
"Awesome," Quinn paused for a second, trying to find the guts to speak honestly. "I can't wait to see you tonight Rachel."

  
"I can't wait to see you too, Quinn," Rachel replied a little breathlessly

  
"Two dates in two days... I must like you, huh?" Quinn teased

  
Rachel giggled. "I guess."

  
"See you soon Rach."  _I will be counting the minutes_

  
"Okay, bye."

  
Quinn shut her phone and did an excited little happy dance in her seat forgetting the man seated to her right. She blushed when she realised that she was not alone and quickly rushed off to her car.

XXXXXXXXX

For a few minutes after she finished her phone call with Quinn, Rachel simply sat on her couch with her phone clasped between her hands with her bottom lip between her teeth. She took deep breaths and ignored the cat weaving around her feet like a shark circling. Slowly, she began to smile, a real, true smile that made her insides giddy with happiness. Because this is happening, this thing with Quinn, and it is just the beginning. Rachel imagines held hands at dinner, meaningful glances, hugs that feel like coming home. Dates and kisses and sex and love. Rachel could see it all panned out before her. She thought that it was a fantasy, even as little ago as two weeks. She had dreamed and fantasised, of course, about having a person to call her own. Someone who wants to hear everything you want to say and is willing to share every part of herself with you.

  
But she believed that they were purely dreams, something that happened in the stories she read — to her friends but never to her. But, although it might (okay it definitely is) premature, she can see how this will pan out with Quinn. She can see the possibility that maybe,  _just maybe_  that she will not be alone forever. This is the first time in her brief and difficult life that Rachel has considered this possibility becoming a reality. Of being a  _couple,_ a pair. And it excites Rachel in ways she could never understand before.

XXXXXXXXX

It is past eight at night and Jesse is out somewhere Rachel doesn't really care about and the two girls that are secretly besotted with each other have finished their dinner and are seated on the couch, a shared bottle of wine on the table in front of them and a comedy on screen. There is a slight gap of space between them, but Rachel can still feel the heat radiating from Quinn. The movie is half an hour in, but Rachel isn't paying much attention at all, she was just staring blankly at the screen. Rachel has actually spent the last half hour trying to get the guts to ask Quinn about their relationship. She wants to know where they stand and so she's trying to come up with the most casual way of asking. She has yet to find a solution and the nerves are getting to her.

  
_Shitty shit shit Berry what are you doing? Make a move. MAKE A MOVE._

  
Whilst Rachel's inner monologue is screaming at her, Quinn begins to glance out the corner of her eye at Rachel, who has started to bite her lip and rub her two fingers together in that familiar way. Quinn isn't sure what is going on — maybe she is feeling triggered by the film and is too embarrassed to mention it? Quinn rejects that idea, as she is pretty sure that Rachel wouldn't have a DVD in her collection that she doesn't like or causes her anxiety.

  
_Then what, Fabray?_ Quinn ponders to herself.  _It's me isn't it? Shit I knew it. Am I sitting too close? Am I making her uncomfortable?_ Before Quinn leads herself through a downward spiral of self doubt she blurts out "Rachel are you okay?"

  
Rachel looks nervously at Quinn (which does  _not_ help Quinn's thought about being the cause of Rachel's anxiety) and suddenly becomes aware of those two fingers vigorously rubbing together. She slips her bottom lip out of her mouth. "Sorry Quinn I was just, um, thinking. About stuff. Things."  _Smooth_ , Rachel berates herself sarcastically.

  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Quinn says, turning to her with an empathetic look.

  
Rachel rolls her eyes, "No thanks I don't really want to talk about my feelings to a therapist right now. But I do want to ask  _my friend_ Quinn something."

  
Quinn gives her a sheepish grin and adjusts her position out of the rigid posture of Therapist Quinn.

  
Rachel takes a deep breath, "Do you want to be my girlfriend? Wow that sounds so high school, I don't know if you are actually supposed to ask or what but I just really like you and I want to hold your hand and kiss you and take you on dates and I understand if you don't want to be, I totally get it because, you know, you are Quinn Fabray and I am just Rachel Berry and I have my illness and stuff and I'm kind of needy but um..." Rachel trailed off, not really sure where she was going with that last sentence.

  
Quinn moved her hand and rested it on Rachel's cheek. "Rach, there is no one in the world I would want to be with more than you. Even if Kristen Stewart walked over here and asked me to have sex with her, I would pick you without needing a second to think about it. So yes, God yes, I will be your girlfriend."

  
Quinn moved forward and, with a flutter, her eyes shut and her mouth was pressed against Rachel's mouth in what was Rachel's Favourite Kiss Ever.  _God_ she loves women. Quinn moves her other hand to wrap around the back of Rachel's neck and Rachel wraps her arms around Quinn's beautiful, soft waist. Quinn sucks Rachel's lower lip into her mouth, earning her a whimper of pleasure. They break for air, their foreheads resting against each other as they try to return back to earth.  
For the next few minutes, all that can be heard from the apartment is heavy breathing. Rachel pulls her head back first to look at the amazing woman in front of her.

  
"Wow," she whispers, "I can't believe that happened." Quinn gives her a gentle smile and pulls Rachel's right hand to her lips to kiss.

  
"Believe it Rach because there is so much more to come."


	13. My Girlfriend

It has been two weeks since that lovely first kiss and everything between Quinn and Rachel has been going exquisitely. Rachel can't believe she has a  _real, live girlfriend._ In her mind, she had always imagined that she would die a virgin with a perpetually sore wrist in her right hand and surrounded by her many, many cats. But luckily, it didn't seem like that would happen anymore. It is a bit difficult, with Quinn living at the school she works at, Sacred Heart, so Rachel feels a little guilty that Quinn has to go to her place all the time — the school is strict, so having her girlfriend come over might be considered inappropriate. Quinn may be a grown woman, but because she is living on the same grounds as students, she needs to conduct herself professionally. Rachel understands this, when Quinn explained it after five nights in a row camped out on Rachel's couch. She just wished that Quinn didn't have to come all the way out here every night.

Despite seeing each other every day, they liked to mix it up. On Monday, Rachel and Quinn went for a dusk walk and ended up having Chinese takeaway in a park near Rachel's place. It was extraordinarily romantic. It was just like a fantasy; walking along the street during Rachel's favourite time of day, holding hands and talking about anything and  _everything._ Rachel had never felt closer to another human being like she does with Quinn, she felt like she could share everything with her — her opinions, her past, her secrets, her passions. It was so amazing, feeling as though someone cares so greatly for you and wants to hear everything you have to say and wants to share every part of their life with you in return. They shared a kiss in the moonlight that Monday night; leaning into it with smiles on their faces, content in each other's presence. It truly was an amazing feeling.

Tuesday, Jesse was home, so the trio indulged in wine and board games. Rachel rolled her eyes at the light-hearted bickering between Jesse and Quinn and joined in on occasion with her own witty remarks. Rachel was on the floor of her living room tucked under her girlfriends arm, absolutely smashing her at a game of trivial pursuit (it wasn't her fault she kept landing on all the literature squares while Quinn had mostly science questions and Jesse continuously received geography and sports questions, neither of which he could answer correctly to save his hypothetically dying mother) and laughing with her close friend. When it wasn't her turn, Rachel was pondering how quickly and perfectly her life had changed.

Wednesday involved drinks with Blaine and Kurt. Quinn met Rachel at her place first and was greeted by a gentle, long kiss at the door and they made their way over to the bar to meet the Hummel-Andersons. When the pair walked in, Blaine and Kurt were already seated and accosted them with whistles and cheers when they noticed them hand and hand. Later that night, Kurt leaned over and whispered in Rachel's ear, asking her if she was happy. "More than ever before," she replied. Kurt gave her a kiss on the cheek and said how glad he was for her. Happiness bloomed in Rachel's chest like a ball of sunlight riding in on an excited puppy; she was so lucky to have these amazing friends.

Thursday was spent at the movies and, for Rachel, her fingers laced through Quinn's in the darkness of the cinema while she got to hear Quinn laugh at something on the screen and squeeze her hand as a way of saying 'I am having so much fun, I am glad I am here with you', was one of the best things she had ever experienced. You see, Rachel truly believed she wouldn't ever be happy with someone, that she was unlovable and damaged. When she planned for the future, it was always with academics and jobs in mind, never a partner... She didn't want to set herself up for disappointment. But here she was, with an incredible woman who wanted to be around her and it made Rachel feel special.

Quinn had an amazing week with Rachel but her favourite day was Friday. The pair decided that after a busy week, they would stay in. Quinn brought dinner, Rachel rented the DVD's and the pair got to work on a marathon of a TV show they were both meaning to watch but never got round to. Quinn decided that sitting on Rachel's couch with her girlfriend leaning against her chest, tucked between her legs was the perfect place to be. She got to wrap her arms around Rachel's waist and found that her shoulders were the perfect height for Quinn to rest her head on and occasionally plant soft kisses on Rachel's neck during sentimental scenes that made Rachel giggle with the sensualness of it. Quinn enjoyed watching television and films with Rachel. Rachel was such an expressive person and Quinn loved seeing her facial responses to scenes or laughing at her snarky comments about the actors or the bad fake accents. The pair, that night, fell asleep on the couch around 2am with the show still playing in the background, tucked into each other, Quinn's hands around Rachel's waist, holding her from behind. The couple had never slept so soundly as they did that night. In each other's arms.

The weekend saw them take some time apart in order for Quinn to catch up on some paper work. Rachel needed to spend some time on a design she had been working on and do some planning for the next week at school.

And Monday did not turn out to be the day either of them expected.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Quinn knew this would happen sometime, she had studied it, read about it and even experienced a few in her short time but not someone this close to her and it caused a tear in her heart to see someone she cares so much about in so much pain. Quinn was so glad that this was her expertise, that she could properly give support but she still couldn't protect Rachel from everything, especially herself and her illness. She wants to bundle her away somewhere safe but the thing that causes her pain would still trail along like an overly needy pet seeking attention. And it was like that; it needed to be tamed, loved, put in its place. But Rachel wasn't at that stage yet. For now, they just needed to manage it.

Fortunately, the wave crashed when Quinn wasn't busy. She wandered into the staff lounge and was talking to her extremely traditional and uptight boss about a presentation she wanted to make to the girls when she got the phone call.

"Sorry, I have to take this. It's important." Quinn stepped away from the old woman, wondering why Rachel was calling at this time. Their lunch hours did not coincide and Rachel had a class to teach.

"Hello my beautiful girl, how is your day going?" Quinn answered cheerfully, a bit louder than she should have in her enthusiasm. Her boss looked at her sharply and narrowed her eyes, but Quinn missed the movement.

She heard sniffles and sobs through the phone, which immediately sent Quinn into panic mode.

"Babe, what happened? Where are you?" She had several more questions up her sleeve but didn't want to overload Rachel.

"I-I-I'm sorry to call you," Rachel let out in-between sniffles and sobs. The words were slightly muffled.

"Rach, sweetie, you can always call me with anything.  _Always._  Tell me what happened babe."

"Anxiety attack." Rachel let out in a whisper before she started sobbing harder.

Quinn let out a breath; she knew how to deal with these.

"Okay sweetie, do you know the yoga child's position? On the ground with your knees tucked up to your chest?"

"Y-y-yes"

"Okay I want you to get into that position in a minute, it's hard to talk in it so wait until we have finished talking." Quinn said in her most calming, counsellor voice. "Okay can you tell me where you are? I am going to come and get you?"

"I'm at home." Rachel said in a tiny voice, shaking with sobs.

"Okay babe, I am going to be there soon. I want you to get into the child's pose and start counting until I get there. If you feel your mind drifting just bring the focus back onto the numbers okay? I will be there soon. I promise."

"You don't have to." Rachel whispered.

"I want to. I will see you soon okay?"

"Okay."

Quinn raced to her small room and grabbed her handbag and raced out of the school building and into a cab. On the way she made a mental list of how to help someone who is having an anxiety attack so she would be calm and ready once she got to Rachel's house.

Once she arrived, and paid the driver, she raced through the open front door and into Rachel's bedroom where she found her tucked up, smaller than she had ever seen her, on her bed, absentmindedly patting Monster who was tucked up beside her, her eyes closed. Quinn could see her lips moving, shaping the numbers that she was counting.

"Rach?" Quinn gently took a seat beside Rachel's form and stroked her back. "I'm here now, it's okay. Has it passed?" Rachel nodded into the pillow her face was squished into.

"Okay sweetie, I was wondering if you want to take a bath? I noticed the other day you have some lavender oil which we could use."

Rachel carefully, looking very fragile, sat up and looked at Quinn with her large, sad looking eyes. "That sounds nice." Rachel said quietly, still patting her sleeping cat.

"Okay, I am going to grab you a drink of water and then I will run the bath." Rachel nodded gratefully as Quinn left the room to grab a drink and her cell phone that she dropped by the front door when she arrived. Once she turned the bath on, she returned to Rachel's stiff form on her bed. She looked worn out; anxiety takes up a lot of adrenaline and energy so Quinn didn't doubt that she was exhausted.

"Here sweetie," Quinn said, handing Rachel a glass of water, and her phone, on which she had brought up a video. When she saw Rachel's confused glance at the screen, she explained.

"One of the kids showed me this yesterday and laughter is a great medicine." As Rachel watched the video, and she could hear her small giggles through the wall, she added some lavender oil, a very calming scent, to the bath as well as some bubbles to preserve Rachel's modesty. Once Quinn deemed the temperature perfect she lead a reserved, but slightly more alive, Rachel to the bathroom.

"Do you want me to leave?" Quinn asked hesitantly, "I could give you a massage if you want?"

"You can stay, just don't um..."

Quinn realised what she meant. "I will step outside while you get changed okay? Call me when you're ready."

Rachel nodded, relieved. Quinn stepped outside and waited for Rachel's quiet voice to tell her it was okay to enter.

Rachel was hunched over in the bath, hair falling in front of her face. Quinn walked over and knelt down beside her, tying her hair back with a hair-tie she had had around her wrist. Quinn left a soft kiss on Rachel's neck and gently started rubbing her shoulders and back. This was the first time Quinn had seen Rachel naked and she definitely didn't want it to happen like this but there was nothing sexual in the atmosphere; it was comforting.

"Rach," Quinn started gently once she felt Rachel start to relax under her fingers. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Rachel sighed and shrugged. "It was a combination of things, I overslept and had to rush to work and grabbed an energy drink once I got there, which was a huge mistake. I didn't have anything else with it and it gave me too much adrenaline that I didn't need. I realised there was a due date coming up for an art exhibit that I'm entering a piece into and when I looked at the piece today, it just looked all wrong. I overreacted, I know, but I could just feel my chest getting tighter and tighter and heavier and heavier. The words 'it isn't good enough' just kept circling through my brain and I had a lot of essays to mark which I didn't get to yet and I had some nightmares last night and I keep worrying about if I will have some more tonight and it just kept spiralling... So I asked my boss if I could go home at lunch and when I got here everything felt wrong, like the world was slightly tilted on its axis. Everything was too messy I had so much to do and, and..." Rachel broke down crying again, the tears running down her puffy, swollen eyes, sliding off her cheek and mixing with the water she was sitting in. Quinn sat quietly, knowing that crying is a good way to release pent up emotions. It is a cathartic experience, so she patiently rubbed Rachel's back.

"Okay so it sounds like you haven't got as much done as usual this week, with the essays that need to be graded. You're feeling a lot of pressure that you have put on yourself because of all the time we have spent together recently. I think we need to work this out together to make sure everything is balanced — our time and work time. Now, once you get out of the bath and dried off, we are going to give the apartment a nice clean and then we are going to watch your favourite film or TV show... As long as it's a comedy!" Quinn looked at Rachel and was thankful to see a small smile growing on her face.

Tomorrow you can start everything you need to do and I will help wherever I can but tonight it is going to be about TLC. A mental-health afternoon. Does that sound okay?"

Rachel looked at Quinn with her beautiful, shimmering eyes. "It sounds like a plan."


	14. What Happened To Quinn (Part I)

"Miss Fabray, will you please come in? We would like to talk to you."

XXXXXX

It was Thursday night two weeks later and Rachel was curled up on her couch, laptop on her knee, Monster curled up at her side and leaning on her arm. Rachel was trying to get some paperwork done for school but she stopped too often to coo at her cat to actually get anything done. She hadn't heard from Quinn that night but she hadn't really expected to. Quinn worked late on Thursdays and was probably still in a session. It was only 6pm when Rachel heard a knock on the door.

"Jesse can you get that?" Rachel didn't want to disturb her cat.  _God,_  she was so whipped by her cute ball of fur. When Rachel realised Jesse wasn't there (and it was a small apartment, it shouldn't of taken her that long to realise it), she let out a deep sigh and untangled herself from the computer, blanket, cat and mounds of paper surrounding her.

She opened the door to see a pouting man with curly hair and a bottle of wine in his hands.

"Blaine!" Rachel exclaimed with surprise, "What are you doing here? Come in!" She tugged at his hand until she pulled him in through the doorway and shut the door behind him.

"Kurt has gone away to a work thing in Los Angeles and I'm lonely," Blaine explained in a whiny voice while trailing Rachel into the kitchen.

"Oh you poor baby." Rachel said, her words only lightly dusted with sarcasm. "But you know, I could have been making out with my girlfriend when you knocked."

Blaine grinned at that and grabbed the glass of wine Rachel had just poured. "I heard her mention yesterday that she works late on Thursdays."

"Oh." Rachel didn't have an answer to that.

"Come on! Lets mooch on the couch and chat and drink and watch the shows that Kurt never lets me watch when he is around." Rachel giggled at her friend's enthusiasm and followed him onto the couch, quickly moving all her shit to the coffee table and placing it in a heap (except for Monster; she left him where he was).

The pair chatted and laughed, mostly ignoring the TV in the background, except for when one of their favourite scenes came on, then they shushed each other and watched it intently. Eventually, Blaine steered the conversation over to talking about Rachel and Quinn's relationship.

"So..." He started cautiously, "how have things been since the 'anxiety incident' a couple of weeks ago? I know we haven't really talked alone for awhile."

The 'anxiety incident' brought Quinn and Rachel even closer. In the two weeks since that day, the pair have kissed and snuggled, laughed and teased. They are as close as best friends but as intimate as lovers, despite never going past some heavy kisses. Rachel had never been in a relationship before, and she knew this would be more than an excuse to experience new things. Quinn was so important to her, they were still finding their feet in the relationship. Everything was still so new — they were still discovering each other. But Quinn had seen Rachel in one of her darkest moments and although she had sprung back from that afternoon, sharing that part of herself was a very significant thing. In the past, when this happened, Rachel would talk herself out of it, although it would take a few days, and she never called Kurt and Blaine. She told herself it was because they would be helpless and not know what to do, but it was also that she was embarrassed. Her anxiety is something very private: it made her feel weak and delicate and she didn't want her friends to see her like that. But she does not regret that decision she made to call Quinn because she made it better. She assisted with coming out of it and it only took a few hours, not a few days, to crawl out of the dark space the anxiety attack had pulled her into.

Nevertheless, they hadn't been together for more than a month. They hadn't had any true fights since they got together, they hadn't experienced each others flaws and Rachel was happy to take it at the pace they were going: cuddling on the couch, kisses at the door when Quinn left for the night. They were fortunate that Jesse worked late at his show so they could be together and wouldn't have to subject him to being the third wheel. Rachel loved sharing parts of herself with Quinn; she would show Quinn some of her old design work and talk about her ideas behind it. She loved that someone was interested in her life, in her thoughts and feelings. She especially loved hearing about Quinn. At dinner, Quinn would put some music on and tell Rachel all about her memories associated with whatever song was playing. Rachel would sit there, soaking up all the knowledge she could about her girlfriend. It was fantastic.

Since Rachel's brief breakdown due to not dealing with her stress, the pair no longer spent every night in Rachel's apartment. It was important that Rachel didn't fully give up that independence she had before Quinn came into her life, she needed to find a combination of the two. So Rachel would spend every other night to herself, or the one night that Jesse had off a week, Tuesday, would be spent bonding with her flatmate. Rachel loved Wednesdays because she would get to see her two best friends and her girlfriend at their weekly catch up, of which Quinn was now an official member. On Wednesdays she felt like she belonged, she wasn't a solo person riding through life but a part of a group, supporting each other. Rachel loved the time she spent with Quinn, and she couldn't wait to get to know Quinn even better.

Rachel explained this to Blaine, thinking out loud about her relationship as she did so. She felt so lucky to be in such a strong relationship with such an amazing person. As if it were timed, as soon as Rachel finished her indulgent spiel, of which Blaine spent listening attentively like the good friend he was, there was a knock on the door for the second time that night. She shared a confused look with Blaine and scrambled up to answer the door. She set her wine glass on the kitchen bench and cautiously opened the door. What she saw filled her with surprise, confusion but mostly worry.

It was Quinn.

It nearly broke Rachel's heart when she saw her girlfriend, wet and crying, hunched over with the force of her sobs, on her doorstep.


	15. What Happened To Quinn (Part II)

Quinn had just finished talking to her last student of the day and was making notes on the session when the headmaster's secretary knocked briefly on the door and popped her head in, seeing it was slightly open.

"Quinn? Headmaster Jackson wants to talk to you in her office. A few of the board members are there as well."

Quinn looked up suddenly, startled. Board members? Shit, what have I done. maybe they are just checking in, I have only been here for a few months after all.

"Oh, um, thanks Robert, I will be in shortly." The secretary, Robert, nodded his head and left the room, leaving Quinn to take a deep breath and straighten her outfit.

Quinn made her way to the headmaster's, her boss's, office, getting increasingly nervous as she made her way down the seemingly never ending corridor. Quinn worried her bottom lip between her teeth, a bad habit she was picking up from Rachel. She got to the large wooden door and hesitated before she rapped her knuckles against it.

The door opened to reveal her boss, a severe looking woman in her sixties in a grey matching-blazer-and-skirt number with her hair twisted in a bun at the nape of her neck. Her lips were pressed into a thin line and her glasses her sliding down her nose.

"Miss Fabray, will you please come in? We would like to talk to you."

XXXXXXXX

Quinn sobbed against Rachel's shoulder as she tried to explain what had happened. There were on the couch, Quinn had her knees tucked up to her chest and her arms around Rachel's neck while her girlfriend rubbed her back lovingly. Blaine was sitting to the left of Rachel, stroking Quinn's hand calmingly. "Shh, baby shh." Rachel would whisper, trying to slow down Quinn's breathing. Rachel pressed kisses against her girlfriend's head, not knowing what else to do until Quinn had cried herself out. She still hadn't established what had happened but had at least established that no, Quinn wasn't hurt and nobody died. Until Quinn was ready, they would just have to wait. Rachel and Blaine shared a sympathetic look over Quinn's head as they continued to comfort her.

Awhile later, Quinn's sobs, which had transitioned into whimpers, finally concluded.

"I loved that job so much," Quinn whispered. Rachel froze, surprised at Quinn finally saying something rather than nodding her answers.

"Quinn baby, are you ready to talk about it?"

Quinn nodded, taking a deep breath.

"Okay sweetheart, let me just get you a drink of water." Rachel gently untangled herself from Quinn and Blaine jumped in, stroking her back and pushing her hair out of her eyes.

Rachel came back and passed the glass over to Quinn, who weakly took a sip then, realising her thirst, downed the sizeable glass.

"Would you like another one?" Rachel asked gently.

Quinn shook her head as Rachel came to take a seat on the other side of Quinn.

Quinn looked at the glass, her gaze lowered. "I got fired," she whispered, a stray tear leaking out of her eye at the confession.

"Why baby? You are such a good counselor for the kids."

"Because... Because they found out I'm dating you." Quinn said as gently as she could.

"And what the hell is wrong with that?" Rachel's eyes furrowed and her face started to go a weird red colour.

Quinn shrugged. "It doesn't set a good example to the children, apparently."

Rachel scoffed. "Are you kidding me? Showing the kids that you can be with whomever you want, that all love is equal, that they shouldn't hide from who they are? I think that-"

"Rach," Blaine said calmly. "Take it down a notch."

"No!" Rachel yelled, outraged. "This is bullshit. My smart, beautiful, compassionate girlfriend is the perfect person to look after those children. How dare they fire her for being herself." Rachel looked over at Quinn and noticed that more tears were silently running down her cheeks. Rachel settled down when she saw how upset her girlfriend was. "I'm sorry baby," she said in a gentler tone of voice. "You are such an incredible person and you don't deserve this." Rachel leaned over and stroked Quinn's cheek with her finger while cupping her jaw. Blaine leaned over her other side and gave Quinn a gentle kiss on the cheek.

After a few moments, while the three gathered their thoughts, the silence was shattered when Quinn muttered, "Where am I going to live?"

Without even stopping to think about it, Rachel answered, "With me of course. Jesse will understand. You can share my room or um, if you aren't comfortable with that then the couch is pretty cosy."

Quinn bit her lip nervously, "I don't know if that is a good idea, we are so early in our relationship and, um, what if it is too soon?"

"I think this will be good for us," Rachel assured her, "It is important we communicate through any problems and issues that come up and work through them like i know we can." Rachel suddenly had a panicked thought, "But, if you don't want to live with me then…"

Quinn quickly leaped in to reassure her, "Of course i want to live with you Rachel, it is just such a big step and I have never lived with someone else before, apart from my parents, I always had a single room in college."

"Me and Kurt have a spare room if you need it Quinn," Blaine piped up.

Rachel fixed him a glare. "Stay here tonight, and you can decide later okay?"

Quinn nodded and tucked herself into Rachel's side. Rachel gave her a kiss on the cheek as her girlfriend closed her eyes, exhausted from the exhausting and emotional day, content to worry about housing tomorrow now that she had options.

"Blaine?" Rachel whispered over Quinn's head.

"Yeah?"

"Can we sue those fuckers?"

Blaine let out a small chuckle, "I sure hope so, I will get Tina to look into it. She's always happy to do some small lawyering jobs for a friend. Especially once she hears that it was Quinn this happened to. But it is a likely possibility that what they did was completely allowed."

"Okay, thank you."

Blaine came round to where Rachel was, gave her a peck on the cheek and saw himself out with a wave.

Rachel pulled the blanket hanging over the back of the couch over her and Quinn and settled in for the night, not wanting to disturb Quinn's gentle, slow breaths by moving to her bedroom.


End file.
